V A V A Adventures

On resolutions

A friend updated his status to say, "Happy New Year. Time again to hit the gym for a few days!" I Liked it instantly. It was funny. Another friend updated his status; "... The calendar is a human invention. ... Don't make any resolutions unless you like to feel guilty." I nodded and Liked it. It sounded like something I hear myself saying many a times every year, especially when I don't want to wait for the "new year" to do something.

And still, when the new year rolls around, I make resolutions. I do. That said, I don't just make resolutions at new year. I make them all the time -- every year, every month, every season, every week, day, hour and moment. I think we all do, whether we realize it or not.

So what if you resolve to exercise every day on Jan 1 and then fall off the wagon the first sunday of the year? Only to go back to the gym for the next three days before skipping out for two days. When February rolls around you do it even less frequently and by October you decide to wait for the new year. So what? If you did not resolve, you might not exercise at all.

As the cliche goes, "Life is a journey, not a destination." Indeed. Life is a journey, a process, not a destination, not focused on the results. You resolve, you try, you falter, you resolve, you try, you sweat, you inspect, you resolve and on you go. 

I don't think its a problem to fall off the wagon on your resolutions. I think the real problem is not getting back on the wagon. To not resolve, to not rejoin the process, that is the problem. So resolve I will; today, tomorrow and every day for the next 365 and then again and again! I am invested in the process of growing, changing, inspecting, reflecting. 

In that spirit, this year, I am not going for new resolutions. Instead, I am picking up the ones from last year and modifying them based on how last year went. I did that a few months ago too. Now, its time to do it again and I am thankful that the new year is an alarm to my holiday-food induced coma to modify and get back on the wagon with my resolutions.

So onward with resolutions today, tomorrow and forever, in each moment.

A new norm

One day, I woke up at 6am, exercised, ate breakfast, dropped Vehd off to school, volunteered in his classroom, worked and met with families, created some art, dug in the garden, cooked, ate dinner with the family, read into the evening, chatted with friends and spent more time than I should have on Facebook. That was my day. It had elements of a recognizable daily routine defined by rituals that satiated me then. 

That was all true one day not too long ago.

Then somewhere between 12 and 24 hours later from a moment that was intense and impossible to predict; my precious daily routine and rituals changed! Just like that, in a quick span of 24 hours. I had anticipated the change but did not know when it would come about. I had not anticipated the rapidity with which my day changed. For a control-seeker like me, this is discombobulating to say the least.

A baby was born.

Poof, in the flash of an intensely painful and exhilarating moment, I was thrown into a day unrecognizable and unpredictable. Days and nights have tumbled into each other. That stated, I spent less days than fingers on my two hands in PJs in the last month. I am proud of that. That is a significant accomplishment, people! Now, I don't know when I will be woken up. I have not exercised. It feels like I eat all the time and still few of those times are with the rest of my family. My eyes have been locked on one being most all hours of the day. What spare moments I had, I stole to hug, snuggle, kiss and be with my 6 year-old. Dropping him to school has been a far cry on these days when stepping out of the house has felt like a mountain climb. Simple everyday routines that were second nature only a few days ago have seemed unfamiliar and daunting. Driving a car has felt like a risky science experiment. Talking to people has given me stage fright. I have lived my days prolactin-filled and sleepy-eyed madly in love with my boys. Nothing else has mattered.

And so a month has passed.

I got up this morning at an hour not chosen by me and still I recognized what I would do next. Nurse, of course! And then I changed out of my clothes, ate breakfast with my family, put the baby to sleep and read. I took a walk, wrote this post, nursed, ate, nursed, put baby to sleep, nursed, ate, read some more, listened to music, listened to podcasts. I don't know my daily schedule. But I know the new elements of my day. That's a lot that I can count on. My new activities are becoming familiar and I am getting to know my steady companion.

Recognition of the familiar is a great source of comfort. My days are not well-planned and full of past routines. A new norm is emerging. It is grounded in little rituals and simple practices of basic daily sustenance -- sleep, eat, nurse, bathe, walk, read, talk to a friend and mom. So precious!

Advait has always been here, right?

The past is strange. I can recall it, yes I can. I can think back to my childhood, school years, college days, early work years and later work years. I can recall when I fell in love, started a family and so on. I can recall and recount the events vividly full with factual details and dialogs. But, that is not the same, not even close to being the same as "experiencing the past in a moment." 

You know how it is. You are walking down the street and you hear a song. It brings back not only factual memories of a time gone by but also the sensation of those past moments. A song can straighten my spine, make the hair on my arms stand, bring beads of sweat to my brow. I can even smell, taste and hear words said in one of those viscerally experienced moments. These experiences of past moments are fleeting and rare. They are triggered by unexpected stimuli -- the sound of the ocean, a song, a food I love, the smell of a particular flower. I cannot at will re-experience past moments and memories.

I cannot any longer at-will experience what it was like to be single before I met Vamshi. A few weeks into our relationship, I couldn't feel like I used to when I was not with him. Then we had Vehd. Holding a two-week old, I couldn't even imagine that there was a time when Vamshi and I could take whole days to hike, go out dancing late into the night or leave town for a weekend at the drop of a hat. Life with a two-week old felt just right, like it was just meant to be the way it was. It felt like Vehd had always been with us. 

And now, today, for the very first time, I felt like Advait has always been here, here with us. There was never a time when we had all the time and luxury to focus on one child. My days have always tumbled between feedings, naps, chess games, read-alouds, school drop-off and pick-ups, cooking with a baby in arms. And here's what cements my present moments so solidly that it obliterates any days that came before -- it is watching the two boys together. Vehd kissed Advait on his head and the little one smiled a tiny smile. Then Vehd teased him and the little one grimaced. The two brothers have always been with us -- haven't they?

A few moments each day

On Jan 1 this year, we were in Ojai. Blessed by the stillness of the valley, I felt at home in my skin, in my heart, in my mind. Nowhere else do I feel like I feel in Ojai. In Ojai, life seems possible and easy, my heart rests, my steps are slower, my ears listen more, my skin feels everything. I ponderedd on that day -- "Will it always take so much?" (a flight, a rented home, a new place) for me to feel rested and relaxed? Does a peaceful state of mind come at such a premium? And if it does, it is really peaceful or something my mind manufactures because I am 'on vacation'. 

How can I always be 'on vacation' in my mind? How can I feel rested and relaxed everyday, a few moments each day?

So, on Jan 1, 2013, I considered some simple daily practices that help me feel rested. Since then, I have journaled about them. And today, on my 39th birthday, I am living out my daily practices with care. Why such an overt effort? Because my daily "rhythms" and the "busy" life I lead with my busy, chattering mind, leaves no room for rest. I have to take an overt step to pause my passionate being.

My practices today include ...

... snuggling with Vehd, with no agenda to rush out of bed
... gazing out the window
... listening to music as I get ready for the day
... taking a walk; today its a special walk, amongst Cherry Blossom trees
... sketching and writing as reflective practices that support my work; maybe write a letter 
... lunch with my sweetheart, perhaps a game of cards
... gardening 
... cooking for my family
... good conversation with friends
... journaling to close the day

Everday might not include every one of these practices but perhaps I am on my way to knowing how to be 'on vacation' no matter where I am.

Here's to a lovely birthday and every day hence!
 

On the day I ‘became an American’

It was a nonevent really. That was until I started to drive to the immigration office. “A confluence of the east and the west” reads my Facebook profile. I stood on the edge of two nations. 

One gives you the right to bear arms,
The other would but most people cannot afford arms, to bear.

One fights for marriage between same sex people,
The other fights still for citizens to choose life partners; of different sexes, let alone the same.

The people of one speak over 800 languages,
In the other most know only 1.

One is based on a history just over 200 years old,
The other rooted in a civilization over 2000 years old,
Yet, the 200 year-old nation has been free for that long,
The older one is a newer democracy.

In one land, you fight for the individual,
In the other, the individual fights to find a voice, drowned by tradition and norms.

The citizens of one are fascinated by yoga, meditation and tantric life,
In the other, the birthplace of yoga and meditation, there is fast movement towards the fast, materialistic life of the other,
The grass is always greener on the other side!

Technology dominates the economy of a nation known for its clinical math and science education,
The other weeps the loss of technology jobs,
The freedom its students enjoy makes them creative,
Something the other seeks.

Above all, one nation believes in life, liberty and pursuit of happiness for the individual,
The other’s cultural wisdom espouses pursuit of happiness an external illusion, true liberty as coming from within, not to be acquired by making external choices.

I stood at the edge of these two nations. One wants to be the other. The other the former. I seesawed between their traditions and values. People of both places are dear to me. I was born in one. The other is where I live. Some call the first my country of origin, the second my adopted country. My heart swung in the doldrums, it does everyday, caught between two places, loving both for different reasons.

 That was just before I walked in to take the Oath of Allegiance. Then, just before I stepped in, I breathed a sigh of relief, not known to me till then. I walked in, not to become American, not to renounce being Indian. The seesaw between the two great nations is nothing but the two sides, the yin and the yang, if I may borrow a phrase from yet another culture, of being human. I took an Oath today and I pledged my allegiance, to be not a proud citizen but instead to be, first and last, a humble human.

I have found the place I belong to. I am home.

Will it always take so much?

When I am in Ojai, there is a pause in my step, not a fast clip, there is a far-off gaze in my eyes not a quick blink, my heart beats slower not faster and my breath is longer not short. My shoulders are lower, my back is straighter, my eyes are cast towards the sun, the sky and the trees. My mind is quieter. I feel more moments in the day.

But will it always take this much for me to pause and slow down? 

As I tucked Vehd to bed tonight, I felt a panic take over me. We have just 2 days left before we head back to Seattle. I never want this time to end. Why? Because I never want to stop feeling this calm, collected and relaxed. 

But does it have to end? Will it take two flights, a rented home, a different temperature, no school, no cooking, many walks and more for me to feel this calm? Does it take this much for me to settle down?

What attention, focus, energy and intention will it take? What emergency will be needed before I can find this kind of calm in my every day life?

I welcome this new year with this question. No resolution. Just an inquiry into this question.

Silence

Of the many ways in which Ojai puts me in the zone, the stillness that pervades the valley has an unspeakable effect on me. The stillness of Ojai is "active" -- see this earlier post for what I mean. The trees sway in the breeze with a rhythm, the busy noises of a city disappear and are replaced by birds chirping or leaves rustling, the stars dot the sky and are so clear, you can actually see them twinkling. 

In this stillness, I find myself seeking silence. On our morning hike today, I lead the pack with silence. I had no desire to speak and little to even think. When I did think, I found myself drawn to creative visions, flashes of clarity. 

This afternoon, we played in the city's park. In the midst of all the bustle, I still sought silence. I was happy to run, to smile and then to take a little walk to the quietest corners of the park.

There's something very grounding about Ojai's stillness. I appreciate how it makes me silent.

My place

Have you ever heard the phrase, "a sense of place?" I had. I thought I understood it until now. Now, I really get it. Or, so I think for something tells me that in the days to come I will only learn more about it. I have a sense of my place on this planet when I am in Ojai. I can't even begin to describe it.

Its the sunshine, the blue sky, the Topa Topa mountains, the pink sunsets, the smell of oranges and sage that fills the air, the silence, the sway of pepper trees, the sun shining on ancient oaks. In Ojai, I have no agenda. I am here just to be here. I have nowhere to get to, nothing I must do and yet, this is where I am most generative, full of ideas, ready to hike two hours only to come down and write the vision for a new venture. Its all so easy. Ojai, puts me in the zone! Life feels like its full of possibilities and the worries that drain me back home seems to float away here.

I know it sounds romantic. It really is!

As I close my eyes on our first day here, I am struck by ...

... the smell of pepper in the breeze by the pepper trees
... dappled sunshine that colored our morning hike
... the song of waves as they washed over piles of small rocks on their way back into the ocean
... blushing mountains bathed by setting sun

Would it all feel the same if I lived here for good? I don't know and I am not about to find out. So, here's to a much cherished vacation and the few days ahead of us!

Art of Education

If you are looking for the Art of Education website, information about school choice, school choice workshops or to learn about Anoo Padte and her educational consulting, please visit the Art of Education website.

The he(art) of education

The magic and heart of education is found in any place, any situation in which people connect. Its the magic that happens everyday in classrooms all around the world when a teacher looks into the eyes of a child and pauses to hold space for the feelings brimming in the child.

via anoo.blogs.com