The past is strange. I can recall it, yes I can. I can think back to my childhood, school years, college days, early work years and later work years. I can recall when I fell in love, started a family and so on. I can recall and recount the events vividly full with factual details and dialogs. But, that is not the same, not even close to being the same as "experiencing the past in a moment."
You know how it is. You are walking down the street and you hear a song. It brings back not only factual memories of a time gone by but also the sensation of those past moments. A song can straighten my spine, make the hair on my arms stand, bring beads of sweat to my brow. I can even smell, taste and hear words said in one of those viscerally experienced moments. These experiences of past moments are fleeting and rare. They are triggered by unexpected stimuli -- the sound of the ocean, a song, a food I love, the smell of a particular flower. I cannot at will re-experience past moments and memories.
I cannot any longer at-will experience what it was like to be single before I met Vamshi. A few weeks into our relationship, I couldn't feel like I used to when I was not with him. Then we had Vehd. Holding a two-week old, I couldn't even imagine that there was a time when Vamshi and I could take whole days to hike, go out dancing late into the night or leave town for a weekend at the drop of a hat. Life with a two-week old felt just right, like it was just meant to be the way it was. It felt like Vehd had always been with us.
And now, today, for the very first time, I felt like Advait has always been here, here with us. There was never a time when we had all the time and luxury to focus on one child. My days have always tumbled between feedings, naps, chess games, read-alouds, school drop-off and pick-ups, cooking with a baby in arms. And here's what cements my present moments so solidly that it obliterates any days that came before -- it is watching the two boys together. Vehd kissed Advait on his head and the little one smiled a tiny smile. Then Vehd teased him and the little one grimaced. The two brothers have always been with us -- haven't they?
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