i have been waiting for this moment, this moment of deep and helpless feeling to write about what the trip to india really meant to me. it meant the world to me. for the first time since i left india over a decade ago, i came to feel at home again in india. for the years i have been away from india, being at home there has always been the lap of my family. this was the first time, i was away from them, in a home that i created with vamshi and vehd and that i was at home in. that meant the world to me.
the place i got to create that home was special and will always have a special place in my heart. the particular flat we lived in pune, its light, its colors, the sound of the birds in the morning, the street it was on, the fact that it was a stones throw away from sridevi, rohit, reva and krutika, sridevi's daily calls, sakhubai who came to get fed everyday, aaji who cared for our home, surekha moushi who cooked for us, abir who dropped in almost everyday, jayooo aunty who called to check on us, mr. joshi who i ran into on the street, the young fruit vendor who got mad at me, the vegetable vendor who always miscalculated what i owed him because he was also talking on his cell phone, the barista who made my coffee and the dear ole fruit vendor who sold me fruit without asking for money, they all made this a special place home for me. they brought me into being at home in india.
as i sit 9000 miles away warm under my down comforter my heart is filled with warm and deep feeling for all of those subtle nuances that make me feel so at home in india. i long for india not for its deep cultural heritage, its philosophical roots, its music, dance, food or anything else. i long for india for all those little, itsy-bitsy things that make it india. it is the dailyness of india that makes it the home for my heart. my heart beats more easily, my breath slows down when i am in india. my feelings flow out of me in the smiles i see on the faces of complete strangers, my senses rest as i smell what i grew up smelling, my skin breathes in the warm air, my feet are colored with the dust of the land. the little things of india color all those subtle and little things about me that make me, me. that matters. it matters the world to me.
and while my heart and all those nuances that make anoo, well, anoo are finding their home in india, my head swims with boredom. its almost as though my head is at home in america while my heart is at home in india. i am split in my existence, quite literally! wow! that said, being the being i am, balancing between my head and my heart is the act that makes me the magical me that i am. so, being back and forth in india and america is the song that i like dancing to, at least for now. it is who i am. i wonder what will happen when my head is completely engaged in india?!!
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