parenting vehd has been "easy", would say many objective observers. i don't know about that. it has been what it has been. if it has been hard, its because of how i have responded to his natural inclinations. on my recent retreat to orcas i had a moment of silence and realization like none other. i wrote the following piece the next morning ...(fyi -- vamshi was on a two week trip to india when i went to orcas and vehd was demonstrating his frustration around his father's absence by not engaging in a healthy eating process) ...here it goes ..
"I have pondered loneliness, Vehd's eating and my parenting of Vehd in greater depth in the last week than I have ever before. In all my pondering, which might I say is a futile exercise for the most part because it is all brain chatter, there have been some meaningful moments of stillness. There have been moments when it all just came together -- me, vehd, parenting, the sky, the loons in the water and more -- to tell me one thing and one thing alone -- that all there is is the process.
I was sitting on the deck in this house on Orcas gazing at the water rippling along, feeling the setting sun, resting knowing that Vehd was comfortably asleep when I asked myself, "so what if Vehd sits in a chair and eats all the food on his plate handsomely?". The other half of my brain responded with, "then we can travel more easily". To which the first half said, "and, so what?". And that was it. There was a space that suddenly opened in which I felt an ease like I have never before. Vehd eating a certain way is not a destination to get to. My loneliness at Vamshi's absence is not a destination to achieve. Him returning is not a destination either. My parenting of Vehd cannot be geared towards any destination because there isn't one. There is nothing for me to "become" as a parent or for Vehd to "become". As much as my achievement oriented mind would like to create a product out of what are choicelessly natural life processes, there is nothing there to achieve. Why? Because there is really nobody there to achieve. Do I see that last sentence for what it really is? Only intellectually. That is a start though. That said, recognizing that there is nothing to get to or to become hit me clearly as it ever has in the moments when I saw the flowing water yesterday. There really is just flowing water. It is not "going anywhere". Sure I can see the direction of its movement and state that it is headed to the shore but really it isn't. I am like that water, aren't I? There is no me. I am beginning and ending in every moment. There is only change. Vehd is always growing and changing. So am I. It is all impermanent.
There is no destination to get to. There is only the process.
Okay, so I had this "aha". What did I do? I got up this morning and stayed with Vehd every moment -- playing, being, seeing him with no agenda (as much as I could). We had a walk in our pjs, ate breakfast, went to the beach, threw rocks forever, came back and played with Japhy, walked again and he ate a handsome lunch. He never asked for "de de". He had had his "anoo yeyaa". He did not need "de de" (breastmilk) to get her. Instead he nourished his body with lots of food. He got terribly tired. He pooped like a champ and is now slumbering away as I smile at seeing a messy room, a dirty kitchen and a content mamma and boy.
So, the house might be dirty if the cleaner doesn't get to it, Vehd might be fatter, I might be walking in my pjs along green lake with Vehd, all because we have nowhere to get to."
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