we returned from India almost 4 weeks ago but even now, it feels like we returned just 24 hours ago. the memories are so fresh, the experiences so raw and so real. for almost 10 days after we returned, i remained in a fog. our days and nights were intertwined as vehd took his own time adjusting to the 13.5 hour time difference. i was sick with the worst sinus infection had ever had and it was gray and cold in seattle. most importantly, i was no longer knew what it meant to be home. i had returned with the grave feeling that i no longer knew where my home was any longer. for those 10 days, i remained quiet and lost, unwilling to make contact with anyone out there. i called no friends, i saw nobody. some might say i was depressed. i was simply giving myself the space to adjust to this feeling of not being at home, anywhere.
today, the feeling is more settled within me. i am at rest not knowing where my home is any longer. seattle is not home .. it doesn't have the weather, the smells, the food, the language or all the people i grew up around. india is not home ... i am not intellectually challenged, not in control of how i spend my time, not able to enjoy the recreational activities i adore and life off of, not where i can find the space to hear my own thoughts and not where life seems full of possibilities. then again, seattle is home ... it is where i grow my own food, pursue my greatest intellectual passions, exert my body to no end, and, where i have a house that is slowly becoming a home. but then, india is home too, its where i can rest my head on many shoulders, nod a certain way and feel completely understood, see my parents and grandmother all i want and witness vehd absorb all those little things that make me who i am. you get the gist of why i am so lost?
i am letting the unknown take its place in my life. letting each day unfold as it should so i can do the most i can in each moment, feeling at home within myself as much as i can so it doesn't matter where i am. this is hard to do. i am not at home within myself all the time. i have a long journey ahead. and it is one i am committed to.
i am committed to finding a home within myself so i can always be 'at home'.
Hello. my name is Roman, I am from Finland. I can not say that I agree with everything ... but many ideas are consent and howling soul ... And I also think you need to open the "house" in itself ...
feel what you're capable of ... the whole world within itself. I sometimes try to understand myself ... to find the light of my life.
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Posted by: Roman | July 05, 2010 at 10:30 AM