Being yourself

staying with the process

parenting vehd has been "easy", would say many objective observers. i don't know about that. it has been what it has been. if it has been hard, its because of how i have responded to his natural inclinations. on my recent retreat to orcas i had a moment of silence and realization like none other. i wrote the following piece the next morning ...(fyi -- vamshi was on a two week trip to india when i went to orcas and vehd was demonstrating his frustration around his father's absence by not engaging in a healthy eating process) ...here it goes ..

"I have pondered loneliness, Vehd's eating and my parenting of Vehd in greater depth in the last week than I have ever before. In all my pondering, which might I say is a futile exercise for the most part because it is all brain chatter, there have been some meaningful moments of stillness. There have been moments when it all just came together -- me, vehd, parenting, the sky, the loons in the water and more -- to tell me one thing and one thing alone -- that all there is is the process.

I was sitting on the deck in this house on Orcas gazing at the water rippling along, feeling the setting sun, resting knowing that Vehd was comfortably asleep when I asked myself, "so what if Vehd sits in a chair and eats all the food on his plate handsomely?". The other half of my brain responded with, "then we can travel more easily". To which the first half said, "and, so what?". And that was it. There was a space that suddenly opened in which I felt an ease like I have never before. Vehd eating a certain way is not a destination to get to. My loneliness at Vamshi's absence is not a destination to achieve. Him returning is not a destination either. My parenting of Vehd cannot be geared towards any destination because there isn't one. There is nothing for me to "become" as a parent or for Vehd to "become". As much as my achievement oriented mind would like to create a product out of what are choicelessly natural life processes, there is nothing there to achieve. Why? Because there is really nobody there to achieve. Do I see that last sentence for what it really is? Only intellectually. That is a start though. That said, recognizing that there is nothing to get to or to become hit me clearly as it ever has in the moments when I saw the flowing water yesterday. There really is just flowing water. It is not "going anywhere". Sure I can see the direction of its movement and state that it is headed to the shore but really it isn't. I am like that water, aren't I? There is no me. I am beginning and ending in every moment. There is only change. Vehd is always growing and changing. So am I. It is all impermanent.

There is no destination to get to. There is only the process.

Okay, so I had this "aha". What did I do? I got up this morning and stayed with Vehd every moment -- playing, being, seeing him with no agenda (as much as I could). We had a walk in our pjs, ate breakfast, went to the beach, threw rocks forever, came back and played with Japhy, walked again and he ate a handsome lunch. He never asked for "de de". He had had his "anoo yeyaa". He did not need "de de" (breastmilk) to get her. Instead he nourished his body with lots of food. He got terribly tired. He pooped like a champ and is now slumbering away as I smile at seeing a messy room, a dirty kitchen and a content mamma and boy.

So, the house might be dirty if the cleaner doesn't get to it, Vehd might be fatter, I might be walking in my pjs along green lake with Vehd, all because we have nowhere to get to."

up, down and turned around

that is what parenting does to you. parenting has been my primary occupation since June 2007 when the little chap was born. while i am also a full-time student, still connected to the school i taught at and involved in several other community projects, parenting remains my full-time occupation, forcing all other endeavors to fit in where there are gaps. this is by choice. i have never felt this responsible towards myself, another human, my young family, my extended family, the community i live in or the earth since i became a parent. i have not had such deep realizations about myself as i have since june 2007. this is my greatest meditation, my most trying practice, the only thing that will teach me to truly love. it is also the thing that will teach me balance.

so while parenting has been my #1 occupation, what else have i been up to since january of this year when i last wrote ...

... we planned and planted our garden for the full cycle of the growing year. we now have a hummingbird garden, several fruit trees giving fruits, vegetables including onions, tomatoes, basil, squash in varieties, berries galore and some more.

... i almost done with my teacher certification coursework.

... i applied and got accepted to do a Masters in education, still with Prescott College in AZ. i start in 3 weeks. i am excited as can be. when i was younger, i studies because i had to. the teacher certification work was also a requirement to be fulfilled towards my future work as an educator. the masters is my treat to myself. i am doing it because i really want to do it. i think it is going to bring together my world -- what i want as a human, who i am as a parent, who i want to be as an educator ...

... i will start teaching again as part of my practicum work this fall. i return to PSCS to teach part-time. this marks the slow transition of my return to full-time teaching.

... we went to whistler for a spring vacation. vamshi treated me to a night at the four seasons which i hate to say is nothing special when compared to the club intrawest time-share we have up in whistler. we spent the vacation in water, eating good food, taking walks and being with each other doing nothing much. we truly wound down.

... we are off to prescott in 3 weeks.

... vehd and i have been rock climbing this summer. he is intrigued by it though it is clear that it is a little early for him to really hit the rocks.

... urban adventures and deep in the woods walking have marked how vehd and i are spending our summer. we have been taking the street car and monorail some days and on others we are walking in ravenna park by the creek or on golden gardens doing beach combing.

... vehd and i spent 3 days on orcas island at a friend's home enjoying the view, exploring the natural landscape with another mamma/toddler pair. it was a great mom-tot retreat.

... i am deep into building my community. more on that in another post.

... four more weeks to the end of summer (well until school kicks in for me). how else will i let this season of leisure guide me?

too cool to be green!

i've delcared friday night as take-out night. owing to vehd's 7pm bedtime, we haven't gone out to a restaurant in a while now but i still like for us to enjoy a variety of foods. so, the take-out night. one of my favorite places to get take-out from is Blue C Sushi. i love standing by the conveyor belts picking up all the sushi i want. after doing this for 2 weeks, i decided we needed to take our own bag to get home the boxes, just like we do going to the grocery store. i also wanted to take back the boxes we had got the previous times (which i had washed and put away for creating seed starts for our vegetable garden) but they were out in the garden so i let that go.

as i walked into Blue C Sushi, i felt eyes upon me. it felt like people were watching me bring my own bag to take away the take-out. was this for real or was it my imagination. whichever it was, it made me wonder if people are not green because it ain't yet hip to be green. it is becoming more and more hip to be green but we aren't there yet. it is hip to be green today when what you are using is well-designed and good looking and, green. green, being the last adjective in that list. it makes me wonder when being green will be the first adjective used to describe something cool. then, it will be cool to be green, simply because something is green, not because it is ALSO green.

when will that happen? when we think so.

welcome 2008!

at the start of 2007, i wrote an entry about how new years eve celebrations and the start of a new year has lost meaning for me. i like to think of myself as someone who regards everyday as a new day and every moment as a new moment. oh, well!

as 2008 came around, i couldn't but help take stalk of my life. perhaps its because my life changed more dramatically in 2007 than it ever has -- what with Vehd's birth. i am still trying to hang on to the hope that new years will lose their meaning for me and i will some day be able to regard every day as a new beginning. in the meantime, i made some intentions for 2008.

2008 is about finding my connection with myself and my close community. the following are some of my intentions for the year ...

... daily practice of yoga, meditation, journal writing and some nature contact along with vehd
... learn to play a musical instrument
... read a book a week or at least every two weeks
... create a mindful parenting group -- a group of parents making very mindful choices about their parenting
... create seasonal celebrations with friends
... restart rock-climbing
... take meaningful family vacations

... these are some of my intentions. time will tell how well i get connected ...

onward to 2008!

Free Rice

if you are a vocabulary quiz fan like me, you'll enjoy freerice.com. for every word you get right, 10 grains of rice get donated through the UN to a nation that needs it. i grew up word powering through Readers' Digest but have long since dropped that habit. it is refreshing to relive an old pastime in a new way.

functional analysis of my wardrobe

i know i just posted an entry saying that my life has been taken over; so how in the world do i have the time to do a functional analysis of my wardrobe? well, when you are still 10 lbs over your pre-pregnancy weight and feel dejected every time you walk into your closet, it is time to take a hard look at what's hanging in there. my PM tendencies from MS days took over and i did a little functional analysis of my wardrobe, putting into categories the clothes i need for the various occassions in my life. in the process, i pulled out piles of stuff i have not used in a year or more and made a list of what i need to get. now, i can shop guilt-free knowing i will use what i get. i am also back into instituting my item-in, item-out rule so every time i get something, i need to take out something else. vamshi suggested i take it a step further and hang everything in my closet and then not allow any new hangers to come in. that way, when i buy something new, i have to take something out so i can hang what i just got. i think that's taking it too far. like, doing a functional analysis was not far enough :)!

a book a week

I am a slow reader but I like to read, or atleast, I like the idea of reading. Whenever I do sit down to read, I do really enjoy it. One of the 1000 things I want to do before I die is to get to a point where I can read a book a week. I am always reading something but often not what I really want to be or need to be reading. So, I have decided to get a book a week and make an attempt at reading it as quickly as I can. This week I am reading Five Minds Of The Future by Howard Gardner.

ditto!

I had a new mommy date yesterday with Kristen, mother to Japhy who was born on the exact same day as Vehd, 7 hours apart, 4 doors down at the same hospital; AND, we were both trying to have home births; AND, we were due 3 weeks apart! Okay, now that is not just a coincidence!

The two times that Kristen and I have managed to speak have been energizing for me. It is so rewarding to be able to speak to someone who is going through what you are going through and here we are going through it all in lockstep. When we were together yesterday, there were so many times when one of us would be saying something and the other would have a big smile on her face.

We were "dittoing" the whole time! I am looking forward to seeing Kristen again soon.

1000 things

Several times, have I sat down to make a list of the things I want to do before I die. This week, in preparing for a class, I got serious with the exercise. I was convinced that a book by the name existed so I went online to search for it. I found the website for 1000 Things To Do Before You Die. The book is being created. Once out, it along with the website will be a complete package for people to get the best experiences in life. The book comes out in time for Christmas 2007. I figured I would make my own list before the book influences my ideas. I am at #55, having listed ...

...free falling over Victoria Falls
...making time for a date with Vehd each week
...taking a youth group to India
...staying silent for a week

amongst others. What would you have on your list?

what if?

I am an idealist at heart and my idealist brain often wonders about the ideal world, where justice and peace prevail. My wondering wanderings have often led me to ideas of how things 'should be'. I have finally gathered enough of them that I thought I would share them ...

.. what if, all wannabe parents had to take a licensing exam that involved an intense examination of their parenting approach and basic understanding of child development and psychology? Once they passed the exam, they would receive a licence and be injected with the magic potion that would make them fertile. Fertility would die out in a years time at which point a license renewal exam would need to be taken.

Yes, it sounds completely fascist but I am pained when I see more and more children receiving poor care. It would indeed be better to have great education that produced responsible adults. I am working on that one too!

.. what if, pregnant women could park in the handicap parking spot, be able to take the carpool lane on the highway and have a restroom cubicle reserved for them in all public restrooms?

.. what if, all the nations that require mandatory military service would instead require 1 year of mandatory peace corp work in a nation culturally divergent from theirs. Imagine what understanding and empathy that might instill in people. Wouldn't that be quite different from training people to fight people they don't 'understand'?

.. what if, access to nature, food, water and music were always free everywhere?

.. what if, you, who are reading this, have been inspired to think of some other 'what ifs' and will share them with me so we can both dream of the ideal world and do what we can to inch towards it?