In my first year as a teacher, I had fantastic experiences and I learnt a lot. I had the incredible opportunity of getting to know and growing close to some of the girls. I laughed and played with them. I cried with them. And I listened to their stories. In their stories, I saw myself when I was a teenager. All the confusion, a longing to find someone to talk to and a secret way of looking up to grown up women in the hope of finding clues on how to be. In their stories, I also saw that I am still struggling with some of the same things that they are struggling with. It made me realize how important it is for me to work through my own confusion.
I need to do it for myself.
I have to do it for them.
I want to do it for all of us here and those that are to come.
So, I sat down to write my confusions. Many of them are tied to how I am a woman in this new age. I want to share with you what I came up with. I am hoping it will move you to share candidly your own confusions. We can then take the next step.
To maintain privacy, I will summarize the responses without disclosing identity.
I hope you join me in this journey. I promise not to rest until we have explored as far as we can together.
On Being a Full Woman .....
There is a chatter going on in my head. It is always there. Ever-present in every decision, every action I take. It feels like I have an inner voice that knows what I want and what is right for me. But then, there is the external noise – society at large that is also telling me what to do. I listen to both the voice and the noise. I am caught in the conflict between my inner voice and the outside noise. Do you feel this dialog – between the inner voice and the outer noise?
My inner voice tells me how beautiful I am but the outer noise calls me to look in the mirror every chance I get only to find all my flaws.
My inner voice tells me to not worry about my round belly but the outside noise tells me to be a size 2.
My inner voice tells me to let my hair gray but the outside noise tells me to foil my hair.
My inner voice tells me to cut my working time in half so I can frolic in the park with (my) kids but the outside noise beckons me to climb the next rung of the corporate ladder.
My inner voice tells me I am smart and can trust myself but the outer noise tells me to ask for everyone’s opinions and approval.
My inner voice tells me to knit, garden and paint but the outer noise beckons me to high power aerobics, women’s leadership talks and business magazines.
My inner voice tells me to rant at my partner but the outer noise tells me to breathe deep and figure it out for myself because good girls don’t rant.
My inner voice tells me have a pillow fight with the kids but the outer noise tells me to be gentle and kind like a model woman should be.
My inner voice tells me to run freely on meadows and break into a dance but the outer noise tells me to walk prettily and not sit on the grass lest I should get chlorophyll stains on my 50 dollar white skirt.
My inner voice tells me I am talented and creative but the outer noise reminds me of all the things I cannot do.
My inner voice and the outer noise mingle away so I cannot tell one from the other and I cannot tell what I really need or want.
Why these two voices? Which one do I need to listen to? My inner voice is telling me that there need not be two voices – there can be one harmonious tune that I dance to at all times. I cannot find that tune. I want to find it.
I know I cannot find it by myself because I know that the conflicts are not mine alone. They are coming from the voices of all the human beings and all the women whose stories are written in the blueprint of my genes. The resolutions too must come from within the consciousness of all of humanity, especially all of womankind.
I know that the conflicts I have experienced are just the tip of the iceberg and just the tip that I see from the angle that I see it. Could we explore the top of the iceberg together – even just the 1/10th that lies above the water?
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