Being yourself

sleep overs, musical chairs and more

After many years, I had a sleepover again. With my students! We ate dinner, did makeovers, dressed up, played board games and watched a movie. It made me 16 again and was as much fun as I ever have had on a sleepover.

Then, today, we played musical chairs at school. The music was funny -- we ran around to Old McDonald had a farm and the wedding march! But it was so much fun.

I enjoy adult things but I also really enjoy being with my students and doing 13 year olds things.

My grandmother says - "if you keep learning, you will always be young". I guess I have found another way to remain young -- "if you hang out with young people, you will always be young".

getting unstuck

I came to the US as a bright-eyed 22 year old, excited to study computer science and hopeful of the opportunities that lay ahead of me. The US has been great for me -- its the home that has helped me learn about myself. I was able to explore my every desire and learn from it. I was able to fulfill most all of my needs to "do" variously crazy outdoor activities. Being in the US has made it possible for me to travel as much as I have.

I have always felt grateful to the US for having let me come to the country and make it my second home. And, so, I have been afraid to express anything but that gratitude, lest I should be considered an ingrate. I cannot however deny that I feel desparately stuck - stuck, between two worlds -- between India and the US. Its not a new story. Just one that is being experienced by a new person.

What makes it most hard is that some of the most basic values and emotions that make up, anoo, are stuck in India. I feel like I cannot express them or feel them fully while I am in the US. What has been interesting is the realization that I have felt more and more stuck as the years have gone on. Isnt it supposed to be the other way -- so you feel more and more comfortable in your new home as the years wear on?

I need to get unstuck in some way and I have come up with a plan ... the only way I can do that is if I spend some time of the year in India and some time in the US. So, thats what I am working on now and am hoping I can start with this year. When the ground starts freezing in Seattle in Nov 2005, I am hoping I will be sipping a cold pinacolada on the beach in Goa ...

More as the plans become firm ...

my new hero

I have been inspired! This time its by one of my students at PSCS. He did something that I know I wouldnt have done....

He was walking on the street outside school and some strangers stopped him and offered him Marijuana. He refused it and then went on to report the people to a police officer that was in the vicinity. Wow!

I know I wouldnt have had the courage to walk up to a police officer and report people like he did. I would have likely just ignored the incident and walked back into my pleasantly peaceful life ...

I am now asking myself whether I can act with courage and do what is needed when it is needed.

superman

We had an interesting discussion at school last week -- about Superman. It was prompted by the song "Superman" by Five For Fighting. That spurred a discussion amongst one of the staff and some students and then the staff member brought it forward to all of us in a class setting. The question being asked was -- Does Superman have emotions? Who is he singing the song to?

It was fascinating to hear what people thought of Superman (in some ways the comments were generally applicable to heros) and what they thought heros are allowed to do. Most students (and I) concluded that Supermand was singing the song to himself -- he isnt one to express his weaknesses, worries or emotions to the outside world.

It made me continue to think about heros, leaders and what we expect of them. Further, its been making me think about how we always seek heros -- we want them, we need them -- why? Is it because we need to know that someone will take care of us? Is it because we need to know that someone has control over everything that is uncontrollable? Is it because we want hope in the ability of humans to do extraordinary things?

I am also wondering how we treat our heros. Do they have emotions? Do our expectations make them keep their emotions to themselves? What are they hiding and keeping to themselves that they are unable to sing to us?

What do you think?

pretty red sunrises

We live close to a beach in Bombay and in Goa; our family home has views of the Arabian Sea. The sea has always had a special place in my childhood and more so because of the stunning sunsets I got to see while playing in the sand and water of the beaches in Bombay and Goa. I have never however been one to want to see sunrises. Though I always wake up when its dark and love to feel the day coming on, I havent been one to sit down and see sunrises. But that is until now ...

I have been seeing some of the most stunning sunrises these days. Our condo faces east and the sky is a deep pinkish red as the run rises into the cloudy winter sky. The lake waters reflect the pink making the whole place blush. Its like the sunsets I used to see in Bombay and Goa, only its a sunrise ...

Aisa lagta hai puri duniya angadai le rahi hai ...

comforting sounds

We have all experienced this at some point -- you hear music or a sound and are your mind reels back to a time, people or a place that you associate with the music or sound. Emotions flow -- you feel happy or sad depending on the memory associated with the music.

I am listening to "Feelings" by Shiv Kumar Sharma. This music is special to me. It carries for me the most pleasant memories of home -- more than any other music. I like to listen to it in the morning because that is when we played it when I was at home. It reminds me of the rustling of the newspaper that my dad would be reading as I walked out sleepily from my bedroom. It reminds me of the cling of stainless steel vessels that my mother would be working with to prepare breakfast. I can hear the chirping of the crows and sparrows and the sound of water in a bucket that was being used to clean the cars. I hear the ring of a bicycle bell that some passerby would be using to make his way through the sleepy morning walkers.

The memories are so vivid. And the, "Feelings" just flow ....

gratitude

I came back with one resounding learning from my recent trip to Africa -- "to be thankful for your life because you dont have problems". I saw people in the supposedly modern city setup struggling to live. I also saw people like the Masai living in complete harmony with nature. It made me wonder about how human life has evolved. It made me look at my living conditions. I slowly started feeling like most all of the problems of modern human life have their roots in the human psyche. Even the fact that people have AIDS has its origins in psychological realms of desire and denial.

As I thought about this, I slowly inspected my own life and my problems. I dont have the problems of physical survival. I struggle with emotional and psychological survival -- its a struggle for peace of mind. The human psyche is tricky -- understanding it is hard and its tricks are elusive. At the same time, understanding it and hence putting an end to its mischief is something that is completely and only under the control of human intelligence. So, whether I have problems is something that is completely under my control. In (over?) simplistic terms, I can hence decide that I dont have problems. And, so I am working on just that. I am just really thankful for how fortunate I am to be able to just decide that I dont have problems and have them go away. I know that sounds overly simplistic -- but, really, is it any more complicated?

return to africa

I was in Africa again. Just like, I expect myself to be many more times in my lifetime. This time there were 6 others in my group and we were there as part of the yearly CFAC adventure. We raised money for 2 organizations that are working with children and women affected by AIDS and we climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in commitment to the cause.

I was expecting some of this experience to be a repeat -- I had done a safari before, I have climbed before and I had been to Africa before. It was far from a repeat!

Its hard to describe everything I experienced. I have captured some of it on the CFAC blog site so I'll just call out the highlights here --

• Ngorongoro crater is a very special place on earth - Its a 265 sq. km. caldera with 25,000 mammals living on the crater floor on the plains surrounding the blue Lake Magadi that lies at the center of the crater. Imagine ostrich, gazeles, lions, rhinos, hippos, elephants, hyenas, cheetahs, zebra, wild buffalo, wilderbeast, egyptian geese, flamingos, warthogs and the masai all living harmoniously in one place! If you ever wondered about "balance in nature", this is the place to experience it.
• Masai - one of the oldest indigenous tribes still living a way of life that they have known since they came about. They live in the wild, dont kill wildlife, herd their cattle and look at nature in a way that doesnt make them separate from nature. They are nature! They remind me that I am nature too.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro - its 19, 340 feet high with 5 different vegetation zones. Yes, I summited it but thats not what mattered to me.
  
  What moved me the most was the longest walk of my life so far -- I came to do this walk at 19,000 feet. I walked 1.5 kms (3/4 th of a mile) in 2hr, 20 min and gained 340 feet. The only thought that stayed in my mind all the time was -- "you know only this step". It stayed with me so long then that its still with me as I have returned to my normal life. I now remember that I know only this step -- this moment.
• Kiwakkuki - the organization in the Kilimanjaro region that is doing AIDS work. We visited an AIDS patient that Kiwakkuki is helping. I dont think I will ever forget seeing that patient. That visit has once again raised many questions for me and my life.